3 responses to “5 Weird Things that Turn Me On: On Men and Vegetables”

  1. Daniel Reiser

    OK, let’s try that in reverse, to see the pedantry and misandry (reverse sexism) at work here:

    On Women and Vegetables

    1. My ideal woman must be a good eater. If she eats white bread, hates vegetables, and doesn’t seem to care what goes into her body, there’s no chance of a relationship. Show me a woman with tempeh in her refrigerator. Show me a woman who likes brown rice. I don’t know what it is about women who eat brown rice, but it turns me on. Understand, however, that if she is a vegan or strict vegetarian, it’s just not going to work out. If she’s he’s going to lecture me like my mother on what to eat, we just won’t get along very well. I’m the alpha in the kitchen, and that has to stay that way.

    2. My ideal woman must have straight teeth. Women will be screened out based on the experience level of their previous dentists. Women with missing teeth need not apply.

    3. My ideal woman must want to learn how to please me in bed. Sex is really, really important. If she’s terrible in bed, the relationship simply won’t work. I’m not saying it has to be amazing every time, but any woman who wants to be with me needs to study up if she doesn’t know what to do. I recommend “Anal Sex for Beginners” for a start. I have needs!

    4. My ideal woman must be flexible enough to understand my reasons for being a fundamentalist Christian. I am spiritual, I read the Good Book daily, I sometimes handle snakes and speak in tongues. She needs to be ok with all of that and not ridicule me. Absolutely NO pagans or Wiccans, please.

    5. Short girls are a turn-off. If you’re not at least 6′ tall, please turn right around and go back to where you came from. You need to be at least THIS tall to ride this ride.

    6. I like girls who are active, who like to ride their bikes, preferably in bikinis. Active women usually have good bodies, and who doesn’t like that?

    7. Mechanically adept women = hottness. I swoon when there is a woman who knows how to fix her own car or burn backup DVDs of her digital photos. It must be some sort of engineer-fetish gene I’ve got, but I love a woman who can work with her hands inside and outside the bedroom. This one isn’t an absolute, however, but when a woman knows the difference between an allen wrench and a drill bit, it’s time to take her home to Mama.


  2. Paul

    Wow, I must be your ideal man. I meet all seven requirements!


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